(McDonaldland, OH) - Facing concerns that their food is just too healthy, fast food giant McDonald's has banned sliced tomatoes from all sandwiches. As a replacement, extra servings of human lard will be added to all products, including soft drinks.
Acting quickly in the face of overwhelming evidence that "this U.S. health kick is quickly running its course," McDonald's also announced the elimination of potato by-products from their popular freedom fries. Henceforth the fries will be made primarily of sawdust and prisoner entrails, according to McDonald's spokesman Fatty Arbuckle.
"Certainly, thanks to the booming prison population in America, this move will allow us to satisfy consumers while greatly increasing our profits. Most prisoners are happy to donate a yard or two of intestine in order to get a few weeks cut off their sentences.
No word yet if McDonald's "shakes," which long ago cut out milk in exchange for vegetable oil, will at long last cut out the vegetable oil and replace it with cow urine, as competitor Wendy's did in 2006.
Speaking from the grave, Wendy's founder Dave Thomas blasted McDonald's for being "behind the curve."
"We were making our chicken sandwiches out of wolverine testicles long before they even dreamed up their nuggets," said Thomas, before rolling over and slamming his coffin lid just before the sun came up.
Ronald McDonald, currently serving six-to-ten years in a maximum-security facility in Munchkinland for second-degree pederasty, had no comment.