Recently, the National Rifle Organization announced a concerted effort to renumber the Bill of Rights to the United States Constitution, replacing the First with the Second and then moving the Third to Second, dropping the First to Third. In an effort to get to the bottom of this, The Spoof recently interviewed Wayne La Pierre, N.R.A. CEO & Executive Vice President, in his Washington, D. C., bunker.
TS: Good morning, Mr. LaPierre.
WL: It's not morning here.
TS: Good heavens, you're right. The lack of windows confused me.
WL: That's the idea.
TS: I must say, you seem well armed. Do you always carry three firearms with you?
WL: Actually, I have six firearms on me. Three are hidden.
TS: Hidden? Where?
WL: I have a weapon in a shoulder holster, a snub-nosed .38 on my ankle, and a small derringer in my rectum.
TS: I beg your pardon?
WL: You heard me correctly.
TS: Well, isn't that a bit … uncomfortable?
WL: No, not if I remember to let it cool down after shooting it.
TS: That certainly makes sense. However, don't you fear that you might trigger -- so to speak -- flatulence of Chaucerian proportions?
WL: I don't understand the question.
TS: Of course not. Let's talk about the Constitution.
WL: I don't understand that, either.
TS: You don't understand the Constitution?
WL: I don't understand the numbering. Who decided to put the First Amendment first? What liberal pinko made the Second Amendment second? This has to change.
TS: Change? Why?
WL: Because order is everything, especially in America. Americans are fascinated with being numero uno, finishing first, that sort of thing. Finishing second is never an option. That is the problem with the Second Amendment. It's second. We think it should be first, not second, and that's why we started the Constitutional Renumbering of Amendments Process.
TS: That's C.R.A.P.
WL: Well, you're entitled to your cold, dead opinion, but we at the NRA take it seriously.
TS: Where is the First Amendment's place in C.R.A.P.?
WL: It should not be first. The Second should be first. If the Second were first, then the Second would enjoy the celebrity status, respect, and deference that currently goes to the First, because it's first. Think about it: some mug wants to burn the flag, he cries "First Amendment," some saffron-robed freak wants to paper airports with Hairy Kirschner literature, he cries," First Amendment," the press loves it, they cry "First Amendment" all the time. It makes me crazy. Every time I turn around, it's "First Amendment" this, and "First Amendment" that. But, if I want to ventilate an evil-doer, where is the First Amendment? Nowhere to be seen. You don't hear nearly as much about the Second Amendment in our liberal pinko news media as you do the First, and you know why?
TS: Because it's second?
WL: Because it's second. Nobody cares who comes in second. Would they have made a movie about Sea Biscuit if he came in second? Or Hidalgo? Or Shrek?
WL: Never mind. What is important is that the Second Amendment - the right to bear arms - should be the first of the amendments, not the second. If it were the first amendment, not some also-ran amendment, people would respect it and everybody would be armed all the time, cradle-to-grave, the way the Founding Fathers intended.
WL: Absolutely. The moment a baby comes into this world we should place a tiny gun in its hand and let it get used to the feel. They should be armed as soon as they can pull a trigger.
TS: Even while nursing?
WL: Especially when nursing. That is when mothers and babies are most vulnerable.
TS: Aren't you afraid the baby might blow off a tit?
WL: As I recall, they come in pairs. There would be one left.
TS: I see. Don't most legal scholars in America believe that the Second Amendment just applies to "militia," whatever that is?
WL: They're blinded by second place, just like everybody else. You wouldn't hear that "militia" garbage if the Second Amendment were first, like it should be.
TS: I believe you also mentioned renumbering the Third Amendment.
WL: That's right. The Third should be the Second and the First should be the Third.
TS: Excuse me, doesn't the Third Amendment address quartering soldiers in peacetime?
WL: That's right. It's very important. Think about it. The Second Amendment, which ought to be first, says people should be armed to provide a well-regulated militia. Well, if the Second Amendment becomes the First Amendment and everybody is armed, everybody will be in the militia. And the militia will need a place to stay. Have you checked the prices at Motel Six recently? They're outrageous, and the adult movies are incredibly expensive. Something must be done. If the Third Amendment was moved up ahead of the First, which would go back to third place, then we could all stay at Motel Six, or Holiday Inn, or a Days Inn any time we wanted, for free.
WL: You betcha. And what would the motel owner do, cry about his "First Amendment" rights? Hah! Your precious First Amendment is now the Third Amendment you wreaking-of-curry piece of toast, so back off! I'm putting my First Amendment Protected and well-armed ass into one of your queen-sized beds and my Second Amendment rights mean there's no check out time, understand? Scream all you want. Free speech is now in third place. Loser.
TS: Tell me, does President Bush share your views?
WL: He's way ahead of the rest of us. He already thinks the Second is the First. The man's a visionary.
TS: Many of us think of him that way. Our time is up, but before I go may I leave you with this? It's a copy of "The Miller's Tale."
WL: Keep it. Miller's a goddamned commie.