Kittyhawk, NC (Plane Truth) - Something had to be done. Airlines have struggled for decades to stay in the air in the face of increased production costs, stiff competition in the dog-fight aviation business, and, don't we all know it, the astronomical cost of fuel. Rather than crash and burn, they put their props together and decided to do away with then altogether.
Yes, folks, the only way for air carriers to beat OPEC and stay aloft was to do away with airplane engines completely. Commencing as soon as they can be cut out and folded, all domestic flights originating from cities in the United States of America will soar silently into the skies, gliding to their various destinations.
The glider fleets are expected to require infinitely less maintenence and absolutely no fuel, save the currents of air provided graciously by Mother Nature. Of course, on board amenities will be drastically reduced. Passengers will be required to remain in their seats for the duration of their flights, and food service will obviously be eliminated. Passengers will be encouraged to "go" before they fly, thereby making it possible to remove restroom accommodations from all aircraft. Carry-on items will be restricted to items small enough to fit into a standard school child's backpack, so as to not fly out during the flight.
The scheme has elevated more than the bottom line expectations of air industry profit monitors. Blood pressure readings are topping the charts of those in professions that, until now, have been inextricably linked to aviation. Aircraft maintenence, food vendors, flight attendants and baggage handlers are furious that they are being made obsolete by this devastating decision.
Some environmentalists, however, are jumping for joy at the thought of a pollutant-free atmosphere, decrease in noise pollution and no need to rely on foreign fuel sources. Others, like the tree huggers, are complaining about the plight of forests being depleted to produce the groups of gigantic gliders.
Nonetheless, pilots are applauding the move, saying how glad they are that now they won't have to learn all those dials and switches and pedals to get a commercial pilot's license.
On the other hand, manufacturers of auxiliary aviation equipment have appealed to their unions to help bail them out of this employment vacuum. Ebay has already seen a rush of prospective sellers putting jet fuel tankers, baggage cars and auxiliary power supplies up for online auction.
Passengers are scrambling to get tickets for the few remaining "conventional" flights before they new planes glide onto the scene. When asked how what he thought about this new airline approach, Monsanto Paper Products Inc. CEO Vince 'Shaky' Timbers exclaimed, "As wacky as it sounds, it sure looks good on paper!"