The worst kept secret inside the beltway is out. Doctors for Donald Rumsfeld admitted today that the Secretary of Defense is legally insane.
"We have been trying to keep this a secret," said Dr. Terwilliger Vandoom, lead doctor on the team evaluating Rumsfeld. "He has been able to function so long as we have kept him attached to several nine volt batteries secreted about his person. Unfortunately, the current from the batteries has slowly short circuited the motor skills area of his brain. Basically it comes down to either total psychosis without the batteries or excessive drooling, fidgeting and falling over with the batteries. We thought perhaps we could go with a smaller current but when we tried triple A batteries he simply urinated wherever he was. This has been a difficult case."
Rumsfeld's handlers have been using a hand truck to push him around from meeting to meeting so that they would not have to fold him at the waist. "Whenever he sits he becomes terrifically flatulent," added Dr. Vandoom. "We found that if we kept him upright and motionless we could use fewer batteries, and reduce the number of insane remarks without inducing excess drooling or urinating."
President Bush reportedly is fully supportive of his Secretary of Defense, saying yesterday, "I can tell no difference in the Secretary."