Written by Joe Leary
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Friday, 14 May 2004

image for Bill Clinton finishes his memoirs
Clinton salutes reporters

New York - Former President Bill Clinton announced today by press conference that he has finished writing the manuscript for his memoirs. The book is tentatively called "A President Exposed," which focuses on his eight years in the White House and the campaign leading up to his election. Given the turbulence during his tenure many people are looking to see how candid he will be in the book, especially Hillary Clinton.

Reporters were given a glimpse of the manuscript before the press conference and it appears to answer a lot of questions about his private life during that time. For example, many of us men often wondered, how does a guy with so much power, money, and double-talk ability wind up banging so many ugly women? In the chapter titled, "So Many Interns so Little Time" Clinton explains this by saying, "Hey baby, you've got to go with what's available. It's not like I can stroll down to the local sports bar or whorehouse. Not that I didn't try. Besides, you ever get a good look at Hillary in a thong? Man, she's got more jelly rolls than Krispy Kreme. I've got one rule about philandering - the woman has got to be better looking than my wife. Now that gives me a whole lot of leeway."

In the chapter "Marriage of Inconvenience" Clinton talks about his marriage to Hillary in detail. He says, "Many people considered this a marriage of convenience. My question is - convenient for whom? Man that bitch cramped my style. I couldn't get away from her. Some days I'd be in the West Wing with Monica under the table and she'd come in looking to fire more of the White House staff. I'd have to stand there, keep a straight face and say, "Sure honey!" If you want to know who this marriage was convenient for just ask Senator Clinton from New York. That's another thing. She made me move to New York and act like we really cared about New Yorkers. I went from the White House to Chappaqua, NY to Harlem. I mean really, a white guy from Arkansas with an office in Harlem?"

On Gore Clinton quipped, "Man that guy was a dolt. Not only did he believe he created the internet, he really believed I didn't inhale. I would go up to his office and say, "Hey Al let's grab some beers and go to the intern party." He would just look at me with that same dead wood face and quiver in his voice something about Tipper. I'd say Tipper? Tip her over like a cow, let's go. If Gore was president now, Osama Bin Laden would be head of Homeland Security."

Oddly, Clinton completely left out of the book the fact that he was impeached. But either way it looks like Clinton will ruffle a lot of feathers with this book. At the end of the press conference he was asked by a reporter if his book is really forthright. Clinton answered in his usual straightforward manner by saying, "It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is' is. If ‘is' means ‘is' and never have been' that's one thing - if it means ‘there is none', that was a completely true statement."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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