Written by matwil
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Wednesday, 4 June 2008

image for American Election Is Actually A School Captain Election
The American electorate

Not so long ago, America produced great Presidents and inspirational world statesmen, but today all great ex-Presidents, from George Washington to F D Roosevelt, must be turning in their graves as the sun sets on the American Empire, and on the presidential campaigns.

The three main already-emerging presidential candidates can be summed up as follows:

    Hillary Clinton - famous for having a husband, has no policies, pulls faces, waves and smiles, and looks angry and frustrated at the same time.

    John McCain - bland and boring, uncharismatic and not even funny, has zero policies, the bore's bore.

    Barack Obama - some sort of women's magazine agony aunt, always smiling and never saying anything that a child couldn't say, a child in a child's election.

So it's now revealed that the US presidential elections are actually to elect the school captain of a primary school, but primary (elementary) school children across the world were outraged at this suggestion.

Emily Dickinson, aged 6, said from England: 'As if we'd elect any of those 3! Right!' And classmate Harold Potter said: 'At least I can read and write.'

Many have wondered why American primary school elections are supposed to be so important, when walking the dog or eating a sandwich or even coughing are all more interesting and relevant than listening to Hillary talking drivel. But luckily the US vote will be rigged again anyway, and primary school children across Britain and Europe will be laughing into their orange juice when the election ends, if it ever does.

Eamonn de Valera is 106 today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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