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Wednesday, 4 June 2008

image for Clinton Concedes With Novel Speech: "I won!"
Barack Obama says he's been working out to show he's the stronger candidate

(New York, New York) - Speaking from a podium in the city so nice they named it twice, Senator Hillary Clinton conceded the Democratic Presidential Nomination to Barack Obama last night by announcing, "I won!" This novel approach to a concession speech was lauded by Clinton's remaining twelve supporters and lambasted by pretty much everyone else.

Following a rough weekend for the Clinton campaign, during which they lost the DNC vote on the delegates from Florida & Michigan and former President Bill Clinton went postal on a reporter from Vanity Fair, calling him a "scumbag," an obviously heavily medicated Hillary Clinton was reported by insiders to be "stunned" that she was not going to be President.

"She really expected to win Puerto Rico by 90-95%," said one senior aide, "and she was stunned when she did not. She felt them beaners really let her down, and all that after she had lied and said she would fight for Puerto Rican statehood, too. It was just a devastating blow."

Clinton was apparently leaning heavily on the Puerto Rico primary being a landslide that would launch her back into the picture for the presidency.

"There's a little known codicil to the Constitution," said the aide, "that states anyone winning Puerto Rico by 90% or more can just skip the primaries and the general election and move straight into the White House. She knew that was her last chance, and she's not taking it well. She is not even sure she can get her deposit back on the curtains she ordered for the West Wing."

The aide sighed and continued, "She really counted on being able to whip up the divisiveness between the Puerto Ricans and the blacks to let her take down Obama. When that didn't happen, I think her mind sort of split, or at least split more than it already had, and you got the speech we saw tonight."

The speech the aide was referring to was a doozy. It began with her campaign chair, Terry Mcauliffe, introducing her as, "The next President of the United States," some 45 minutes to an hour after Senator Obama had already locked up 2118 delegates needed to secure the nomination. Then Senator Clinton strode to the stage, grinning like a jackal that just ate a baby. Standing and beaming at her supporters, Clinton quickly dispensed with Obama by congratulating him for "all that he's accomplished, but I won."

Clinton then went on to list all the reasons she has previously stated for her to be given the nomination despite actually losing the race, including her opinion that she would be the strongest candidate in November.

"I'm absolutely the strongest candidate," said Clinton. "John McCain is an old man, and Barack Obamba is as skinny as Olive Oyl. So of course I'm stronger, and I challenge Barack to a weight lifting contest to prove it. Let's see if his brittle little arms can lift the load I've had to carry these past 16 months," she concluded, apparently referring to her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

Senator Clinton then threw herself down on the floor and started pounding it with her arms and legs, screaming, "I won, I won, I won, I won, IwonIwonIwonIwon, omigod, I so totally won!!!!!"

Speaking from a panel covering the speech on CNN, legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin summed up what appeared to be the entire panel's view succinctly:

"What a delusional narcissist."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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