Continuing his never-ending quest to prove he's even more insane than his wife, former President Bill Clinton decided yesterday that it was a good idea on the eve of the last two Democratic Primaries to call Vanity Fair editor Todd Purdum a "scumbag." There then followed a scuffle with senior aides to Senator Clinton, and the former President is now in seclusion while his doctors determine just how much Zoloft it will take to shut him up permanently.
All of this began with the rather innocuous question, "What do you think about the hatchet job somebody did on you in Vanity Fair," asked by Huffington Post writer Mayhill Fowler. Clinton became enraged when asked about the upcoming VF article that paints him as a serial philanderer with anger management issues. While admitting to not having read the article, Clinton said he felt comfortable calling it a pack of lies because other people "told him it was."
"This is no different than when I was President," said Clinton. "I often made decisions based not on personal knowledge of a situation but instead on what someone told me. Hell, I ordered all that military action in the Balkans based on a passing comment from my proctologist."
When pressed about specifics of the article that said his aides were becoming increasingly concerned with Clinton's anger issues and his relationships with various women across the globe, the former President's face turned red and smoke jetted from both nostrils.
"That's just crap," he bellowed. "I don't need to fly around the world to get pussy. I can get all the pussy I need right here in the good old U.S. of A. That Purdum dude is a total scumbag!! Why he chooses to perpetuate lies about my needing to fly around the world when cooze is so easily available here at home is beyond me. He's sleazy. He's really dishonest, and he's obviously never been with me on a trim hunt."
Before Fowler could follow up, an aide to Senator Hillary Clinton executed a perfect flying tackle of the former President, and Secret Service agents helped to drag him away from public view. Later the Clinton campaign issued this statement:
"Former President William Jefferson Clinton will be undergoing treatment at the Trembling Hills Rest Home for the remainder of the primary season. His epic work campaigning for Senator Clinton these past two years has left him exhausted and somewhat addled. The campaign trail is grueling and can sap a man's strength so quickly that he doesn't even realize he's spouting divisive bullshit until someone gets him in a headlock and drags him kicking and screaming from the podium."
Speaking from the alternate Clinton campaign headquarters in Hades, Arkansas, Clinton attorney Louis Cypher had this to say:
"Look, it's not like 'scumbag' is a really serious curse word these days. I think people are just overreacting. 'Scumbag' is merely a technical term for a used, spluge-filled condom. If anyone ought to know what one of those looks like, it's Bill. He's sure filled up his fair share in his day."
But even Cypher had to acknowledge that the public reaction was a concern to the campaign.
"Once Bill's medication levels are stabilized, Senator Clinton and I have decided he can best aid the campaign by working for us at the Senator's sulfur mining facility in . . . well . . . in the deep south. We can't afford to let our plan for Armageddon get put off track because some old ladies in Wichita get their panties in a bunch over Slick Willie's language."
Senator Barack Obama could not be reached for comment, but senior aides in the Obama campaign reported the the candidate had been grinning from ear to ear all day.