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Topics: North Carolina

Monday, 2 June 2008

image for North Carolina Issues Guide for New Residents
he audio version is difficult for most non-natives to understand because of the twang, poor grammar, and unintelligible southern accent.

Murphy, North Carolina (IPP) - North Carolina has issued a guide for new residents and visitors to the state. The guide is available in booklet form or on DVD, cassette, and 8-Track which is still considered state-of-the-art in North Carolina. The audio version is difficult for most non-natives to understand because of the twang, poor grammar, and unintelligible southern accent.

The first rule listed in the booklet deals with garbage and litter. It is absolutely mandatory for people to throw their trash and litter onto the roadside. The use of trash cans is strictly prohibited.

The second rule requires folks to abandon dogs and cats along rural roadsides.

The third rule requires people sitting in a restaurant to stare at any outsider or newcomer that steps through the door. It further stipulates that every head must turn in absolute unison not unlike the heads of dogs in a pack watching a cat or rabbit walk by.

The booklet also advises women not to be too thin nor to have a complete set of teeth so that they can blend in better with the locals.

On the topic of religion the booklet advises folks to post the ten commandments in their front yard. One need not take any steps to follow the commandments as they are there just for show and decoration.

North Carolina Governor Dempsy Dumpster reminds folks visiting or moving to his state that no amount of comformity to these rules will make anyone welcome to his state and that following the rules just helps people to blend in a little better. He says, "It don't matter if you live here thirty years you will never be accepted as one of us".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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