Unconfirmed sources report that the government has dropped a tactical nuclear weapon on the Onion compound. The initial assault on the compound ended after over 400 days when the military pulled out and declared victory. We now know the retreat was merely paving the way for the government's final solution to this security situation.
Military sources confirm that at 4:20 am EST an F-15e attack fighter dropped a single 10 kilo-ton on the target. The bomb detonated 100 ft over the target and devastated the compound. The crater left by the explosion is 300 feet across and 50 feet deep. Every structure within 15 miles of the compound has been destroyed. A cloud of radio active dust is spreading across the northern plains tonight, but FEMA has assured the country that the fall out "Won't be bad at all. So don't worry about it."
Mr Bush spoke at the White House two hours after the blast. "The brave men and women of the US Air Force have accomplished a dangerous mission for the American people today. They're brave actions in the face of a determined enemy of the state has ended a national security crisis. Americans can drink their coffee and feel a little safer this morning because of our troops brave service. The menace posed by The ONION, Americans Finest New Source, has ended. I would also like to thank John Ashcroft for his unwavering service in THE WAR ON SATIRE. Johns' brave service to the nation has saved us from a plague of satire sleeper cells."
"America is not yet safe from this satirical menace!" said Ashcroft after Mr Bush's speech. "There are still many, many, rocks to turn over and satirists to flush out."
One Washington insider has declared the victory over the Onion a decisive blow in THE WAR ON SATIRE. "The siege of the Onion compound has been the administrations' most high profile action thus far in THE WAR ON SATIRE, its successful conclusion will give a real boost to the administration. This is especially important in an election year when Americans really need to see some progress in the war. I expect to see THE WAR ON SATIRE grow in importance as the election nears and a the administration keeps having successes."
THE WAR ON SATIRE continues tonight as federal and local law enforcement agents fan out to secretly arrest and detain satirists. Unconfirmed sources report that over 8,000 satirists have been rounded up and are being 'pressured' by national guardsmen to surrender more of their colleagues.
More on THE WAR ON SATIRE