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Sunday, 1 June 2008

image for Ickes Says Clinton Prospects 'Icky,' Concedes Defeat
Clinton Advisor Harold Ickes Appears To Be Ready For A Long Vacation.

(Washington D.C.) - In an appearance on Meet The Press today, Senator Hillary Clinton's campaign advisor Harold Ickes called the junior Senator from New York's chances of pulling out a victory in the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination "icky." Also stating, "this will be over when one candidate has enough delegates to secure the nomination," Ickes seemed to be accidentally conceding Clinton's defeat to Barack Obama.

"Let's face it," Ickes said, "her prospects are icky. It's sort of ironic when you consider that my name is Ickes, which is very similar to 'icky,' which is a word that people associate with smelly things they step in and then have to scrape off of their shoes."

All of this was in response to Ickes being asked the question, "Where did you buy that tie?," as the show was coming out of a commercial break.

As Ickes then went into a ten minute entomological lecture on the derivation of the word "icky," Meet The Press moderator Tim Russert rolled his eyes theatrically and cut to another commercial break.

Ickes' remarks, however bizarre and off topic most of the time, were quite a surprise. As recently as yesterday, during the Democratic National Committee's rules hearing on the Florida and Michigan delegates, a bitter, cranky, and delusional Ickes had promised to take Clinton's fight to ruin the Democratic Party "all the way to the convention and beyond if necessary. We will appeal this decision to the Emperor Palpatine if things don't go our way."

The reference to "Palpatine" was interesting as it confirmed a long suspected rumor that various members of the Clinton inner circle believe that George Lucas' Star Wars creation, the evil Emperor Palpatine, is in fact a real person who might eventually be able to zap Barack Obama to the Phantom Zone, thus clearing the way for Clinton to assume the nomination.

Now, however, with his comment to Russert on the race being "over" when one candidate secures the 2118 delegates needed for the nomination, a number Senator Obama is almost certain to meet sometime this week, Ickes appeared to be laying the groundwork for Hillary Clinton dropping her appeal of yesterday's DNC vote and getting herself on a one way bus to Loserville.

Speaking from the Clinton alternate campaign headquarters in Hades, Arkansas, however, Clinton attorney Louis Cypher seemed to signal a backtrack on Ickes remarks.

"If anyone is icky it's Harold Ickes," said Cypher, with flames shooting out of his nose. "Harold better remember whom it is that owns his soul before he says stupid shit like that. Senator Clinton is committed, or at least should be committed very soon, and as such will not stop fighting even after the General Election is over. Hell, even when Barack finishes his second term and retires to his banana plantation in Uganda, Senator Clinton will still not stop fighting until the history books have been rewritten to reflect the victory that should have been hers had not so many evil men stood in her way."

Pausing to light an aide's cigar with his fingertip, Cypher summed up the Clinton campaign's positon succinctly.

"Harold Ickes just better watch his ass, or I'll put a pitchfork in it."

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