Written by tzdan
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Sunday, 1 June 2008

image for U.S. Won't Confirm Alleged Cyber Porn Theft
So that's what a Cleveland Steamer is!

WASHINGTON, DC - The US Department of Commerce has refused to comment on a report stating that Chinese officials may have secretly copied the contents of a government laptop reported to have contained some highly sensitive, top-secret pornography.

The Associated Press reported that the alleged copying occurred during a December visit to China by a US trade envoy, when a government laptop was left unattended by a member of American delegation.

"An unnamed source in the Chinese government provided some documents which seemed to confirm the story," said AP reporter Davis Stearns. "I was shown a number of secret US government files, filled with stuff I'd never even heard of before. The Polish Dogpile! The Chattanooga Lube Job! The Afghan Donkey Punch! If this information fell into the wrong hands then innocent people could get seriously hurt.

"Now I don't want to get into too many details, but just let me say that a lot can go wrong when you combine a four foot length of PVC tubing, a gallon of cooking oil, a gerbil, and the human rectum."

According to the AP story, US officials were afraid that the Chinese might use the information contained on the laptop to hack into the Department of Commerce servers, seeking the Department's highly classified porno cache.

The source, however, claimed that Chinese had no further interest in the stolen information and that it would be destroyed in order to avoid another incident like the one that ended with the Minister of Trade needing surgery to remove a tetherball from his anal cavity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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