NEW YORK, NY - Steven Seagal met with a number of foreign diplomats at the United Nations headquarters Monday, requesting the removal of his name from a list of controversial weapons facing a ban by international treaty.
"I will admit, much like a land mine or cluster bomb, I am known to eliminate the target with extreme prejudice," Seagal told gathered diplomats and media. "But unlike the aforementioned weapons, I never harm innocent civilians, nor cause wanton destruction. I am a precision killer, and should therefore be excluded from this list of indiscriminate murderers."
Seagal's plea will reportedly be taken into consideration and his name may yet be removed from the final draft of the treaty, allowing the 100th-dan aikido black belt and former Navy SEAL to continue to foil terrorist plots, avert nuclear disaster, and rip the heads of turncoat mercenaries clean from their necks, all without loosing a single hair from his badass ponytail.
Fellow martial artist Jean-Claude Van Damme was reportedly upset by the fact that he hadn't been included on the deadly weapons list, saying "just because I'm Belgian and practice ballet doesn't mean that I'm not a cold-blooded killer too. I'm a universal soldier, a street fighter, and a time cop, dammit! Doesn't that count for something?