President Bush announced a new strategy for winning the war in Iraq: Time Travel. Facing falling Presidential approval ratings and increased criticism from former Republican supporters, the President outlined his bold new plan during his commencement address for the Liberty Bible College extension program.
Bush's plan entails developing a wormhole in space to send an assassin back in time to assassinate the late Saddam Hussein's father before he can marry. "We won't even know it," he told the room full of graduates who were nodding off after a night of hearty partying. "Before this speech is over we could leave the room with no war in Iraq, a democratic Middle East and a prosperous future where you won't have to enlist just to find a job. You will want to enlist simply to serve your country."
According to White House physicists, the wormhole could be created by a device larger than the solar system that rotates backwards at the speed of light. Bush assured his audience that the device could easily be financed with profits from oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve , and a small budget deficit somewhere in two dozen figures.
Bush speculated the device would allow Congress to invest in lucrative stocks at their opening prices, completely eliminating the need for the Capital Gains and Death taxes. He also said the device could eliminate the need for Social Security by allowing people to invest their own money in stocks in the past.
The President had not been the originally scheduled commencement speaker, but a large donation from the Bush family and a few phone calls from the Vice President's office cleared the way for him to give the address.