ABC News has learned that, since landing on Mars, a message with strange characters has been taped to the external lens of one of the Phoenix Mars Lander's videocameras.
While NASA and The White House have attempted to keep this amazing finding under wraps, the President of ABC News, Sal A. Shuss, alerted by an anonymous tip (initials: S. McC), obtained a copy of the message through the Freedom of Information Act.
"It's astounding to me that we obviously have hard evidence that there is life on Mars and our government won't tell us about it," declared Mr. Shuss. "What else are they not telling us? Iraq? Global warming?"
Eluding FBI and NCIS agents, Mr. Shuss reported that he then sent a copy of the note under high-tech security arrangements to famed archeological linguist, Prof. Henry Jones, Jr. According to Mr. Shuss, Professor Jones, of crystal skull and Calista Flockhart fame, reported that the odd symbols had elements consistent with the hieroglyphics of Egypt, the petroglyphs of Lascaux and the pictographs of the ancient Incas.
Based on his research, Professor Jones concluded that the note said, "My dear Roger Clemens, if you don't mind, you have plenty of young girls on Earth. Please, don't mess with ours. Or we will take your ____ and tie it around your neck."
Professor Jones was unable to translate the pictograph between 'your' and 'and' although it looked strangely familiar.
Roger Clemens was unavailable for comment.