Written by Joe Leary
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Wednesday, 12 May 2004

image for Donald Rumsfeld's Lunch Stolen
Exasperated Rumsfeld

Donald Rumsfeld's lunch was stolen right from under his nose at the White House today. A visibly shaken Rumsfeld talked to reporters, and wondered how this could happen? "My wife Joyce made a tuna casserole in a GladWare container with some lovely broccoli, and other tasty treats from leftovers last night. I put them in the refrigerator I share with Condi Rice, and Colin Powell, and when I went to get them they were gone."

Rumsfeld suspected that an Iraqi insurgent had infiltrated the White House cleaning crew and conspired to eat his lunch so he would get confused from hunger and call off the war in Iraq. He said, "It's either that or Condi is up to her old tricks again." Resigned to the fact that his lunch was as likely to be found as Weapons of Mass Destruction, Rumsfeld immediately ordered a full scale investigation.

When Condoleezza Rice caught wind of the investigation she immediately rebutted, "This guy has got to be kidding me. Have you seen what he leaves in that refrigerator? He could start a penicillin factory in there. Besides, whether he knows it or not his wife's cooking stinks."

Colin Powell was equally disturbed. He said, "Don't get me started because this is what pisses me off around here. Right away he starts blaming the black people. Then he goes after the Arabs. What's next the Mexican cleaning crew?

Strangely enough, early investigation tips lead the CIA to believe it might have been George Bush. Bush is on the South Beach Diet and thought the casserole was a broiled Tilapia with roasted almonds his mommy Barbara made him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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