Written by SamIAm
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Tuesday, 27 May 2008

image for Americans To Celebrate Independence Day With Third-Degree Burns, Drunk Driving
Five houses were burned to the ground last year in celebration of Independence Day

OMAHA - Americans are gearing up for the upcoming celebration of Independence Day with plans to barbeque, let off fireworks, inflict third-degree burns on themselves and others, and drive drunk.

"This should be a great year," said Daniel Forbes, 24, a resident of Omaha. "I can't wait to shove a lit firecracker down my brother's pants. Then we're going to get so totally wasted and cruise the neighborhood looking for chics."

Forbes said that there was no better way to celebrate the country's freedom than to endanger the rights and safety of others.

"Brave men fought so that we could do whatever we wanted," said Forbes. "They spilled their own blood so that I could hang out my car window at eighty miles per hour, while tossing M-80's at old people and yelling 'woo-hoo!' I'm very thankful for that."

Tina Wheeler, 28, is also looking forward to getting drunk on July fourth, as well as blowing her hand off with a Black Cat firecracker. "I drink every day," she said. "But July fourth is special. That's the day I drink a lot more, then drive around in a daze and not remember how I got home. And I can't wait to light that Black Cat and just hold onto it while my friends yell and laugh and tell me to throw it."

Wheeler says she loves going to the hospital with third-degree burns and sending others there because of driving drunk.

"It's such a blast," she stated. "There is no greater combination than fireworks, drinking and driving."

Nebraskans are stockpiling beer, hard liquor and illegal fireworks for the big day. Others plan to go to Omaha to watch the city set cornfields and houses on fire and are looking foward to barely making it across busy streets with their lives.

"It's the one day out of the year where we can be true Americans," said Forbes. "We can tell the world, look at us! We're Americans! We may be drunk on power, but we're okay to drive! Hand me the explosives!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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