Written by Clete Plow
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Topics: New York, Convention

Wednesday, 12 May 2004

The Republican National Committee today released the official schedule and agenda for the first day of the 2004 Convention to be held in New York City on August 30th.

Republican National Convention Agenda

6:00PM - Flag waving ceremony - singing of "God Bless the USA". Ann Coulter leads Color Guard in revealing Sequined Red White and Blue Body suit - still gets no date offers.

6:30PM - Special presentation "Drums of War" performed by the touring company of Tigris and Euphrates Riverdance.

6:40PM - Rush Limbaugh re-enters Rehab.

7:00PM - Tribute to Texas - "All Hat and No Cattle"

7:10PM - Distribution of Halliburton Dividend checks.

7:20PM - Rush Limbaugh unilaterally decides to invade First Aid Station.

7:25 PM - Tribute to NASCAR

7:45PM - Making War Make Money - Moderated by Dick Cheney

8:00PM - George Bush reads what someone else wrote for him. Seems to agree with it.

8:25PM - Rush Limbaugh crushes and snorts 14 Doan's Back Pills.

8:30PM - Using terrorism as an excuse to Invade Workshop.

9:00PM - Ceremonial Outing of 12 closeted Gay delegates - followed by tarring and feathering. Refreshments will be served.

9:30PM - Intermission - Refreshments provided by Coors. Jenna Bush leads the "Team Chug" NO PRETZELS!

10:00PM - Wrapping oneself in the flag ceremony.

10:15pm - Re-enactment of George Bush's Fake National Guard Service.

10:30PM - Cameo by Ronald Reagan "Blubbullah bloobah squishersduh… Mommy?"

10:40PM - Rush Limbaugh begs an Iraq War vet in a wheelchair for some of his Painkillers.

10:50PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Profit over People.

11:00PM - Ann Coulter Still not engaged.

11:15PM - Moving jobs offshore for slave wages workshop.

11:20PM - George Bush checks watch realizes he is up past his bedtime. Naps. Snores.

11:30PM - Hillary Clinton Effigy Burning.

11:59PM - Bill O'Reilly presents the head of Osama bin Laden on a stick. - Oops! Sorry it's actually a wax replica - Retraction ordered to be aired once at 4:52AM…

12:00 Midnight: Rush Limbaugh invades Ann Coulter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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