Chappaqua - (Rioters): Former President Bill Clinton has early-onset Alzheimers according to persistent reports that claim Hillary is planning on putting him in an old folks home soon as she's in the White House.
Clinton, 64, has been suspected of dementia during his wife's whirlwind campaign after cameras continually caught him gaping-mouthed, rocking from side to side, laughing wildly and applauding Hillary in decidedly odd moments.
Last week he kept dozing off during live TV interviews despite a series of sharp kicks from his wife's stilettos.
"No way would Hillary ever quit the White House race to nurse the old bastard, of course," a campaign source said today.
"Equally, no way would she ever let it be made public before she's firmly barricaded in the Commander in Chief's orifice on Capitol Hill."
Campaign insiders have hinted that Bill will just gradually fade away into the background before President Hillary eventually annnounces her tragic sacrifice of having to live along and celibate while a maximum security nursing home administers to her spouse.
Al Gore is covered in scratches.