Senator John McCain will ask legendary biblical figure Methuselah to be the Republican vice presidential nominee, according to a GOP source who asked not to be identified.
Though the 71-year-old senator is not expected to make an official announcement until the Republican Convention begins in Minneapolis on September 1, ongoing criticism about his age reportedly prompted McCain to choose the son of Enoch over a number of front-runners whom he had met with over the Memorial Day weekend, including Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Even Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, whose signature line "Perhaps you know my Father" was testing particularly well in the Bible Belt, turned out to be a pale second next to the Giant of Genesis, according to the source.
"Methuselah is the perfect guy for veep," the source said. "He's 5,325 years old, which makes McCain look like Baby Huey. The fundamentalists love him because he was born 687 years after Creation, and his stature as a biblical progenitor is really going to sew up the red states. I mean, c'mon--he's Noah's grandfather, for God's sake!"
Though Methuselah was not available for comment, his agent and son Lamech confirmed that McCain and his father had been on friendly terms for an epoch or so. Lamech also confirmed that information regarding his father's death at the age of 969 had been erroneous, with all hopes for correction lost after the Council of Laodicea. "He's been laying low, watching, waiting for the right moment," Lamech said. He would neither confirm nor deny previous reports that his father's name is a prophecy and that upon his death a Great Flood would come. Laughed Lamech, "That's a conversation for the second term!"