Facing certain defeat due to Barack Obama's insurmountable lead and his refusal to look for sex in public bathrooms, Senator Hillary Clinton resigned from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Tuesday night.
She then immediately accepted the Libertarian Party nomination, which was offered to her outright in a shocking and unprecedented move by a political party long believed by casual observers to identify more closely with Republicans than with Democrats.
Former Libertarian Party frontrunner and Johnny-come-lately Bob Barr could not be satisfactorily sedated for comment.
"I offer the Libertarian Party a revitalized vision," Clinton told a small but enthusiastic crowd of party insiders. "Henceforth, let our motto be, 'What about the children?'"
"She's our man," said Libertarian Party spokesman Will Cave. "She's privatizing her health care model. Everyone will have to pay fifty cents to see a doctor or have brain surgery.
"The Bill of Rights is important to her. She promises to build bathroom facilities and daycare centers in free speech zones so people can exercise their right to petition for redress of grievances in ineffective comfort.
"She will order Homeland Security to eliminate some domestic spying programs that can be turned over to local police or voluntarily managed by busybody sheep with cell phone cameras.
"She has even hinted at entertaining the notion of allowing herself to possibly consider the idea of contemplating giving some thought to mulling over sharing war powers with Congress and banning some forms of torture if she feels like it later and we don't nag her too much about it.
"She also will not allow her vice president to run roughshod over the rest of the world. That's her job, and he'll just be her paid lackey," Cave concluded.
Because Clinton's nomination is a third-party affair, the corporate-approved neoconservative mouthpieces who monopolize talk radio are mostly united in their feigned ignorance of the situation.
"Hillary who?" said Rush Limbaugh. "Is she related to Bubba?"
"Never heard of her," asserted Sean Hannity, continuing his denials even when confronted with a montage of sound bites of him bashing Clinton repeatedly. "I don't care what I said. She doesn't exist. I made her up. Those tapes are doctored. That isn't me talking. Someone get these liberal yahoos out of here!"
"I've never heard of any Libertarian Party," rasped Bill O'Reilly. "Oh, wait, aren't they those Constitution-waving, dope-smoking, illegal immigrant-harboring tax cheats who eat their children and want the terrorists to win? This is no time for principles. We are at war. They should all be waterboarded and shot for treason."
Only Neal Boortz, a self-proclaimed Libertarian, has admitted to any knowledge of the situation.
In a scathing attack on his party's leadership, he blurted, "I can't believe those double-crossing [expletive deleted] have thrown in with that Jezebel! You can't trust anybody to sell out to the right people anymore!"