LOS ANGELES Wednesday May 12th 2004.
Simon Cowell has confessed to having a crush on American Idol music sensation Latoya London. A tape recording of Simon Cowell's confession was delivered to Spoof writer Kungfu Iceskater today and a transcript of the recording follows:
Simon Cowell Confessional Transcript:
"Wow. What was that ghetto word that Beyonce invented? That's right: "Bootylicious". Come to papa, Latoya. I know that I love you women of color, but I just can't get anywhere with you. I just need more street cred. But I tell you, are you red-boned, dime, muchachas bootylicious or what?? I mean move over Paula Abdul, look at the size of the ba-donkitty-donk on Donna Summer! Latoya, I'd love to share crumpets and tea with you, but Kentucky Fried Chicken would work too! I can be down with KFC and code red juice! I can be hip! Darling Latoya, when I hear you hit those high notes, I fantasize about us. I'd love you to see the lava lamp, furry dice, "lights-on-clapper" and mirrored ceilings in my bedroom. By the way….wink, wink….. my bedroom is also known as "Zee Fuhrers Den". No high pitches in my bedroom though, Latoya; the last time that I had a $300 / hour "business meeting" in my bedroom with a Belle de Jour, her high pitched shrieks shattered the mirrors. Question Latoya. Would I have to get rid of my tight white t-shirts? I can't do that. I know I said I could be down but I must insist that I draw the line there. Anyway, I can't wait to tell you how I feel. Kisses and good night from yo papa, Simon. Woof, woof, meow, meow."
Simon was not available for comment. He is dying to get an interview with the queen of bootylicious, Beyonce, but keeps turning down her offers to interview with Jay-Z. Also, Beyonce is not quite sure about interviewing at the 25-bucks a night, Mid-day Rendezvous Hotel in Sherman Oaks.