By John Breneman
A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.
A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.
"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call ‘taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."
The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.
"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.
Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:
Slurred speech and vocal spasms
Loss of job
Loss of wallet
Loss of driver's license
Increased risk of yelling at the television
Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"