Barack Obama has announced that he will be traveling with a Port-A-John until he has secured the Democratic Party presidential nomination.
"Ever since the North Carolina primary, my security staff have had to remove a naked woman and a photographer from every public bathroom I've needed to visit," Obama told TheSpoof.com on Thursday.
"I know it isn't the most dignified way to travel, lugging that thing around, but at this point, I'm taking no chances."
Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters emphatically denied any knowledge of Obama's misadventures on Thursday. The staffer who answered the phone also refused to elaborate on Clinton's recent hiring of a female contortionist.