Future News Items Buried on Page 17...
May 7, 2005 - Seattle, WA: In a new twist, a Health Studies teacher went on a shooting spree in the hallway of a local high school, wounding two students, a janitor and Punky the school mascot. Many teachers in the state have been carrying weapons in self-defense since last year, after a rash of student shootings. The teacher apologized to the janitor - and Punky - before turning the gun on himself. Community residents are stunned by the act, which the National Rifle Association called "an isolated incident by a mentally-impaired Health Studies teacher. The murder weapon could just as easily have been a knife...or a ruler. The metal kind. You know, with the sharp edges?"
June 19, 2005 - Tampa, FL: In response to the execution of a leading anti-abortionist, the militant pro-life group, "Killers Against Murder" assassinated another abortion doctor today outside the Women Are People Too Clinic. The victim was gunned down as she exited her customized, bullet-proof Humvee. Pro-choice advocates are outraged at the killing, which the National Rifle Association calls "an isolated incident by a well-intentioned individual. The murder weapon could just as easily been a knife...or a banana. The peel anyway, if you slipped on it. Ouch."
August 12, 2005 - St. Louis, MO: A eight-year-old boy, angered by the loss of the TV remote control, shot and killed his babysitter, before turning the gun on his pet cat, dog and goldfish, which survived. Neighbors are calling for stricter controls (and higher quality childcare) while the National Rifle Association calls the act "an isolated incident by a mentally-impaired tot. The murder weapon could just as easily been a knife or...a plush toy baby seal. Those things can be nasty, they've got teeth. Ever see one eating a fish?"
September 7, 2005 - Los Angeles, CA: Right-fielder Raul Moneyme was shot and killed today during a game at Dodger Stadium, just after dropping a fly ball in a game against the Colorado Rockies. Following his key error in the 12th inning, Moneyme was killed by an angry Dodgers fan firing a Chinese-made AK47. The violence was surprising in that it occurred so late in the contest, as fickle Dodger fans are known for their quick exits from a game. The sports world is shocked by the act, which the National Rifle Association called "an isolated incident by a mentally-impaired poor sport. The murder weapon could just as easily have been a knife or...a big wad of chewing tobacco. Causes cancer, you know." The final score was 8-6, Colorado.
June 23, 2006 - Washington, DC: President Eyore, Vice-President Loxer, thirty members of Congress and the entire Supreme Court were shot and killed today at a signing-in ceremony for new Supreme Court Justice Mario Kudjo, who was also hit. The nation is appalled at the act, which the National Rifle Association called "an isolated incident by a mentally impaired non-voter. The murder weapon could just as easily have been a knife or...a really old egg salad sandwich at the Capitol cafeteria. More people die from food poisoning than almost anything else very single year."
September 2, 2006 - New York, NY: The entire cast and crew of the Broadway musical revival Cats were killed yesterday during a matinee performance by a man firing a submachine gun from the first row of the Winter Garden Theater. Theatergoers are stunned ("worst thing I've seen since Capeman" and "really a terrible thing to see - and the shooting was just as bad") at the act which the National Rifle Association called "an isolated incident by a probably gay and mentally-impaired Cats devotee. The murder weapon could just as easily have been a knife or...a long conversation with Andrew Lloyd Webber. God, he's boring"
October 13, 2006 - Washington, DC: Dozens of animals at Washington's National Zoo were killed yesterday by a crazed cotton candy vendor firing an automatic rifle. Blaming it on a sticky finger, the shooter fired tens of rounds before being tackled to the ground by a group of lowland gorillas. Disgusted and mortified, the gorillas are calling the zoo incident an act of savagery. The National Rifle Association called it "an isolated incident by a mentally-impaired junk food dealer. The murder weapon could just as easily have been a knife or...a sharp rhino horn. Man, stay away from those guys when they're in heat!"
November 12, 2006 - Washington, D.C.: Setting off a fierce firestorm of protest from both parties, new President Dennis Kucinich announced today that his Administration will seek new tax hikes in its first budget submitted to (what's left of) Congress. The announcement inspired calls for impeachment proceedings from both parties and by several powerful institutions, including the National Rifle Association, which called the announcement "a really stupid idea by someone who might just need to be shot - hey, not killed, maybe just a grazing."
Public outrage is anticipated any day now.