Washington, D.C. -- President George W. Bush held a press conference today that will go down as one of the strangest moments in U.S. history. After a few opening remarks by his Press Secretary, the President took the podium, looked around for a moment, then spread his arms wide and cried out, "I'm an asshole!"
The President went on to say that the revelation came to him after a review of policy and executive decisions over the past four years. "May as well be up front with it," the President said, "I'm an asshole, and there's really no way around that."
Washington analysts and spin doctors sizzled the airwaves in the wake of the unprecedented announcement. The Spoof spoke to New England conservative and founder of the National Review William F. Buckley, Jr., who described the President's announcement as "the most important event on the American political scene since Lyndon B. Johnson's famous 'God am I a fuckface' speech." In response to the President's ground-breaking revelation, Howard Stearn touched himself and had some lesbians roll around on the floor for a while. Rush Limbaugh, veteran right-wing radio show host, said, "I don't think the President was calling himself an asshole per se." Limbaugh then went into withdrawal and swallowed a handful of pills.
Most analysts are saying that it is too early to tell what ramifications the President's 'asshole' speech will have. However, it is certain that the President is revelling in his newfound honesty. When asked if this revelation will amount to a policy shift for the Bush Administration, the President scoffed and said, "Are you kidding? Assholes don't change!" He then bludgeoned a baby seal.