In a shocking development, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has been arrested in West Virginia, accused stealing the Democratic nomination. FBI agents had very little trouble locating Obama in West Virginia, but did extend apologies to two innocent black men who were arrested by mistake. "Damn, I didn't know there would BE any other black men in West Virginia," said Special Agent Tibbs.
Details are still sketchy, but according to preliminary reports, Hillary Clinton called police sometime last night and accused Obama of "absconding with the Democratic Nomination" against her will. Fighting back tears, Mrs. Clinton described "putting the nomination down for a moment" prior to Super Tuesday, only to turn around and discover it missing. She denied knowing that the suspect, Barack Obama, had stolen the nomination until last night when she apparently saw him walking around with it in his pocket.
"Somewhere in South Carolina, I recall seeing a black man in his late 40's walking quickly away with what appeared to be my nomination. But I had NO idea it was Barack until I saw it in his pocket last night. I'm as shocked as the next person," said Senator Clinton.
Former president Clinton acknowledged that the nomination was indeed Hillary's. "I'd recognize that nomination anywhere. She's had that thing in the bag and hanging by the door for four years now. I'm shocked and appalled that a black man would steal from us, after all we've done for them," Bill added.
Comments from Obama have been scarce, ranging from, "What the fu--," while he was being arrested, to, "Hey, I don't see her goddamn name on this nomination anywhere," during his arraignment in a West Virginia federal court. He was immediately threatened with contempt of court, but attempted to make another statement, getting only as far as "Your Honor," before Bill Clinton snickered and pointed it out as "more of that elitist rhetoric".
Requests for a change of venue have thus far been denied and Obama has similarly been denied bail by virtue of being a flight risk. "We don't want him running back to Kenya to hide out with his Muslim buddies," said one Federal Marshall.
Senator McCain had little to say about the incident except to note that Obama once had a bright future until he threw it all away by stealing what wasn't his in the first place. "You just don't cross a woman who gets her pantsuits at Crabercrombie and Bitch," he mused.