Tight-ass government officials announced today that teenagers who smoke marijuana will become depressed or were depressed before they smoked marijuana or might get depressed if they don't smoke marijuana or something, according to a White House report to be released Friday
The report compiled by the White House office of National Drug Control Policy warns teenagers that they could become depressed, anxious, have suicidal thoughts or engage in masturbatory behavior.
John Walters, the director of the office said, "the marijuana kids are smoking today is very different from the substance smoked 25 years ago. Today's weed is much stronger and far more dangerous".
Most scientists researching the issue disagreed with Walter's assessment.
"All he's saying is that the pot we smoke today is far more excellent than the shit we used to smoke", said Colombia University researcher Nat Brown. "Tell Walters to smoke a dube and chill out".
"I love smoking pot", said 18 year old high school senior Craig Nuttles. "I'm on the honor society, track club and I'm screwing the sexiest girl in school. Don't tell ME smoking pot makes me depressed".
Nearly all high school and college age students interviewed agreed that pot made them happier.