Crawford, Texas - (Shotgun Wedding Mess): "Some asshole's gone and barfed on my ten grand Oscar de la Renta wedding gown!"
That was the manic scream from Jenna Bush's bedroom this afternoon just as guests began arriving at Predator Chapel Ranch for the US wedding of the year.
Amid frantic security service efforts to find a replacement gown Jenna suddenly cornered her father who'd sneaked surreptitiously into the bathroom.
"Just a homeopathetic hayfever nasal remedy, darlin', no need to fret," George Bush squirmed as Jenna caught sight of the white powder redwoods lined up on the mirror.
"You lyin' butt-toast alkie douchebag, Pa! So much for yer promise to stay clean sober for mah big day!" Jenna yelled before landing a right hook smack bang in the middle of the pretzel area of the presidential temple.
First Lady Laura Bush meanwhile had started shaking uncontrollably after discovering somebody had switched her Xanax scrip for placebos just as new in-laws the Hagars demanded an upgrade of their guest bedroom suite.
"All we need now is for somebody to tell Rev Pat Robertson about that little 'impediment' to the marriage, hehehe!" young Barbara Bush giggled as she swigged another bottle of Dom Perignon ahead of her maid of honor duties...
Karl Rove is 69.