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Monday, 10 May 2004

New US Government Agency, FDSA

It has been learned that a new US Federal Government Agency has been formed under the cloak of secrecy of the Department of Justice.

The organization called the FDSA (Federal Device Standards Administration) was formed several years ago under the tenure of then Attorney General Ms Janet Reno. The primary responsibility of the organization is to curtail the potential spread of disease as transmitted by devices sent through the mail.

The issue was brought to light by a Colorado woman that had contracted a communicable disease from an adult sexual apparatus that had been shipped to her home from an adult Internet store. The woman called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) to complain of her illness as there seemed to be no other organization to report the problem to. After looking into the issue, the CDC confirmed the apparatus commonly referred to as a "dildo" had previously been used by that least one other customer and returned to the internet store where it was resold to the unsuspecting woman in Colorado.

This led to an open ended-item on the agenda for the new Attorney General, John Asscraft, to research and develop standards for the handling of used adult sexual devices.

The Colorado woman who declined to give her name said, "If I had known this thing was used I would have never touched it and I would not have oral herpes".

The FDA (Food and Drug Administration) has rules for the shipment of drugs and food through the Postal Service and other common carriers. Paula Zauhn of the FDA admitted that the administration had discussed the issue previously but declined to accept responsibility for the issue because the bulk of adult sexual toys sent through the mail are not in fact designed for internal consumption and therefore do not fall under the jurisdiction of the FDA.

A noticeably irritated Janet Reno who was reached for comment, had this to say. "What about edible underwear and flavored penis ointments? These are clearly edible and as such should be regulated."

The in-coming FDSA chairman Dick Cummings noted that "Ms Reno was on top of this dildo thing for most of her tenure in the White House, she was trying to get a handle on it to the very end". The FDSA has been trying to recruit new talent from other Federal Agencies such as the FBI, FDA and CDC. They have admittedly run into recruiting difficulties as other federal employees do not want to be seen working for the FDSA that some have affectionately coined the "Federal Dildo Squad". Dick Cummings noted, "I have done everything possible to extend my welcome to new applicants but they have been slow in coming. It's hard on all of us but we are holding our own."

Mr. Cummings was formerly tasked with developing the 1.6 gallon federal mandate for the maximum amount of water used in toilets available for purchase by consumers. Mr. Cummings, no stranger to criticism noted, " It's my belief that these apparatus' should be regulated and used no more than 1.6 times daily."

Senator Chuck Assley (R-Iowa) demanded that all persons who buy sex toys be required to register under legislation he is sponsoring called the Reno-Bush act.

Civil libertarians were outraged claiming that their right to privacy is being invaded.
ACLU Spokeswoman Valerie Phillips said, "We should have the same rights and protections that normal people have. To pressure people to register their purchases of adult sex toys would only scare people away from buying on-line and force those people to seek out others to have intercourse with. This would be far more devastating concerning the transmission of sexual diseases."

Manufacturers are already jumping on the band wagon to develop products for this new technology. Mai Anus, product manager for Energizer batteries had this to say. "Our current Energizer Bunny is the perfect mascot for our new product extension, the VD cell. The VD Cell or Virtual-D Cell battery employs encryption technology developed by Microsoft. This battery will make all other batteries and older battery powered appliances obsolete. These batteries will work in any flashlight, dildo or other battery powered appliance that is VD1.0 compliant. Cookies will actually be saved in the battery so that the consumer will be able to monitor how their batteries are used."

Hackers have already found ways to penetrate the Microsoft battery encryption. Microsoft's head of development for the Hand Held Devices Battery Encryption Division, Mike Farnsworth responded. "The PPVD 1.0 protocol is still in the initial developmental stages. We have plugged quite a few holes already, our engineers have a firm grasp on the technology and we will be plugging more holes as we move forward".

ACLU spokeswoman, Valerie Phillips responded, "This whole concept is ridicules, a vagina is no place for a cookie. Furthermore, the FDSA has no documentation on how they developed the 1.6 number that they always reference. Am I supposed to stop at .6 orgasms? I might as well have sex with my husband."

Carl Schindler of ASS (Association of Sextoy Suppliers) rejected the idea that it's customers should be monitored. "We have no more control over how customers use our products than Dell Computer has over how it's customers use it's products. A notebook computer could just as easily transmit a sexual disease if used improperly, returned to the vendor then resold. It's unfair to hold us to a higher standard than the rest of the on-line retailers just because we have erected one of the few profitable on-line shopping categories."

A Dell spokesperson could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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