AP -- Washington, D.C. -- In a surprise statement, the Bush administration announced today that the United Coalition Forces - comprising the nations of Great Britain, The United States and Micronesia - had won a stunning final victory in the war in Iraq. "It's all over." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld intoned at the hastily called press conference. "We defeated their military last Spring, and now we have subdued the troublesome unemployed rabble of the country. The water's running, the power's on and the museum is back in business. They've got nothing to complain about. Not that that will stop some of them, I'm sure."
Rumsfeld elaborated, stating for the first time that, "for a time it was touch and go. This was not easy. We never said it was going to be easy. In fact we said it was going to be hard. The president said that, I said that. Secretary of State Powell even said that. We knew that the fighting would be difficult and the road long. We knew we would lose men and we regretted those losses even before they happened. We knew all along that there would be recalcitrant troublemakers and that mopping up actions would be necessary, that Saddam would be difficult to find. But we found him, didn't we? Down a rat hole, just like the rat he is. But there was never a time when we were concerned about winning the war. Our only concern was would the French come in on the Iraq side. They threatened that. Germans, too. But we knew we'd win."
When asked about the continuing daily terrorist bombings Rumsfeld said, "Those are an internal police problem, and the United Stated prefers not to meddle in the affairs of a sovereign state."
Rumsfeld continued that the United Coalition Forces would be moved to the western desert - near the border with Syria - prior to evacuation or relocation. "No," he said, "we haven't determined where they will next be billeted." He then laughed and said in a whisper, "Damascus?" The comment drew an uneasy chuckle from the assembled press.
Finally, speaking directly to the media he concluded, "So, you can all just go back to the bar, now."