Pleasant Grove, UT - Officials here announced today that a man whose car stereo rattled the glass on houses is cooler than everybody else, and that we should all notice him and say, "Wow! He's so cool!"
Michael Phillips, the coolest guy in the world, drove slowly up and down Walnut Street, hoping someone would notice how cool he was because his stereo had such great clarity.
"I heard him coming from five blocks away," said Xander Stone, an uncool guy whose car stereo is kept at a reasonable volume because he has nothing to prove since he is not very cool. "I could hear the sub-bass from Mister Phillips' car stereo. It rattled my windows and the glasses in my cabinets. Gosh, I wish I could be that cool!"
The stereo also woke up Stone's three year-old daughter, who is also not cool.
"I didn't mind, though," said Stone. "I felt privileged that someone so awesomely cool went out of his way to wake up my little girl who hasn't slept in three days. I wish Mister Phillips was her dad. She deserves a cool dad."
"I was walking down the street with my two girlfriends when Michael drove by," said Sarah Austin, 19. "We girls are always really impressed by guys with loud car stereos. Especially if you drive by us real slow with that 'I'm so tough and sexy' look on your face. It gets us every time because our boyfriends are not as cool as you and secretly we wish they were."
Austin said she was thinking of leaving her boyfriend of three years in order to date Phillips. "What can I say," said Austin. "If your stereo is loud and vibrates my eardrums, I'm hooked."
City officials said that they wish they had a stereo like that, and that they could never be that cool because they didn't have any rap music or cool sunglasses.
"He must be real tough," said John Richardson, Mayor of Pleasant Grove City. "A guy with bass like that, who looks slowly around when he's stopping at red lights and who nods his head to the beat without smiling, has got to be the coolest guy in the world who could kick anyone's ass as long as he doesn't get out of his car and actually have to confront anyone directly. That's cool."
Everyone else in town agreed that they would never be that cool, and that gee-whiz, they wish they were, by golly.
"I can never be so awesome," said Stone. "I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with having a twelve-inch dick. Oh, well."