NEW YORK - Doctors revealed news today that set the psychology field on its head, stating that there was a new disease striking pop stars. They are calling this disease "Problems."
"We are extremely worried," said Richard Hanover, 56, a doctor at Ohio State. "For centuries people have been experiencing perfect lives. Now, all of a sudden this thing rears its ugly head, striking mainly helpless, rich white girls."
Hanover stated that "Problems" seemed to have struck two of America's most beloved rich, white whores.
"Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus seem to be the first to experience this Problem phenomena," said Hanover.
Hanover said that he had received a call from both Spears and Cyrus on the same day. Both women said that they were experiencing conflict from outward sources and a few inward ones.
"I assured them that I had never heard of this before," Hanover said. "I mean, people who have difficulties in life? Unheard of!"
Hanover stated that both Spears and Cyrus' court difficulties, along with the strain of being rich and sexy, was the core source of the disease.
"It's hard for them to be filthy rich and sexy," said Hanover. "Why, just today Britney called me and said she had to cook her own breakfast. Her own breakfast. Can you imagine that?"
"No, I can't," said Carry Mills, a homeless girl gnawing on a chicken bone she'd found in a dumpster in New York City. "I'm so glad this disease has spared me. If I suffered from Problems I'm not sure what I would do."
Hanover continued to say that other rich, white girls should keep an eye out for any signs of Problems. "If you break a nail, lose a boyfriend or experience any itching in your vagina, you may be a victim of Problems. Call your local news media right away." He said.