Pleasantville, KS - A masked man in a black-and-gold caped costume crashed through the ceiling of the office at Joe Sixpack Middle School, introduced himself as "Liberty Man," and threatened to confiscate the principal's car unless he rescinded the suspensions of two students who were caught trading Skittles for M&M's between classes last week.
Principal Joe Toole promptly refused and summoned the campus police. When he tried to physically detain the masked stranger, Toole went into a trance and began reciting the Bill of Rights.
Police arrived as the stranger burst back through the roof of the school and flew toward the parking lot. When he ignored their orders to land, police opened fire, but he deflected the bullets into all four tires of their patrol car.
He then descended into the parking lot, lifted the principal's Buick Crown Royal over his head, and took off into the air toward the south.
Principal Toole came out of his trance after broadcasting the entire Bill of Rights over the intercom. He claimed to have no memory of what he had just done and angrily denied having ever heard of a Bill of Rights.
"Where's my &*%$#@? car?!!!!" Toole screamed after running to the parking lot. "We have rules in place to prevent unregulated capitalist activities and the consumption of unapproved foods on campus! Rules are rules! I'll get you, Liberty Man!"
But Liberty Man, and Toole's car, remain at large.