Written by The Strange Gazette
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Topics: eBay, Fast Food

Monday, 5 May 2008

image for Ebay to Open Fast Food Franchise
Tubby Thompson samples the new "e-Begger Burger"

Online auction giant eBay announced today that it is going to try it's hand at the fast food restaurant business. The appropriately named "e-Burger" franchise, is scheduled for it's grand opening later this month.

Hungry patrons will be offered the typical burger oriented meals and can choose from dozens of entrees from the aptly named "listing menu". Although prices appear to be lower on the listing menu, expect to pay substantially more at the check-out or the drive-thru window. In some cases up to 66% more.

For those on the run, using the drive-thru is expected to be quick and easy. Drive-thru patrons will be greeted by a robotic troll with a seventy-two inch forehead, speculated to resemble the now retired eBay C.E.O. Meg Whitman. Dine-in patrons will be treated to static or noise in place of the well known MUZAK or "elevator music".

Despite much opposition from the food and beverage committee, the only drink served will be kool-aid.

Among the many main entrees and side dishes, the "e-Begger Burger" is expected to be the big hit on the menu. Several side dishes include: The Pierre Patty Melt, Craigslist Squash, Fraud Fries, Spam-rings, and for the little ones a Greedy Meal.

Americas largest fast food chain, McDonalds, which opened in 1955, has taken notice of the highly anticipated Greedy Meal and are not taking it lightly. The fast food chain has claimed that the name is an obvious infringement of the well known Happy Meal and has threaten to sue the online auction giant if they insist on using the name Greedy Meal.

Head honcho John Donahoe, now C.E.O. of eBay, stated in an interview that "Our meals have nothing to do with happiness or the state of being happy". However, McDonalds sees this as a poor attempt to gather momentum for the Greedy Meal from the 20 year old Happy Meal name.

In a highly controversial move by e-Burger, Patty-Pal similar to Pay-Pal, which allows the transfer of funds and payments to be made, will be the only acceptable payment method. Credit cards will not be honored nor will any cash payments.

Not all hungry patrons will leave the new e-Burger franchise with a full stomach. In a little known clause, meals can be held for up to 21 days without explanation. When released, the now starving customer's meal will be returned to them, albeit 3 weeks old.

In a bizarre final twist, should you decide to dine in, patrons are forbidden to use their laptops to shop on Amazon, eBay's arch rival, who in overall sales put the online auction giant to shame during the 2007 Holiday season.

As the new franchise is preparing to open, bright neon signs are proudly displaying the new e-Burger name, however, the signs also say in bold yellow lettering, that there have been over 30 billion served. When asked how these numbers came to be without having even been opened yet, the slightly grey-haired Donahoe stated that he "understood our frustration" and that "it was a test". Later, he retracted his statement and the now obviously agitated Donahoe claims it was actually a "glitch" and would be rectified shortly. Many feel that the new e-Burger chain may already be padding the numbers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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