Written by David Hawkins
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Sunday, 4 May 2008

image for T-Shirt Sparks Outrage From Sissy Bikers
I'm Not A Sissy I Just Play One On The Road

Sonny Jotnose, a Sophomore at Barstow High School in California, was expelled for wearing a T-shirt on Friday. Superintendent of Schools, Ms. Rhoida Hemerra said the shirt's message was offensive.

Sonny's father, Dr. Jotnose J.D., is a lawyer and told Ms. Hemerra and the school Principal, Ol' Cowboy Jeff, his side of the story: "Public schools are public places and freedom of speech might not be a right in a privately owned place but it still is in the Constitution and anyway the shirt is only stating an opinion. "Bikers are sissies" is just an opinion because it can't be proved without gathering up every biker in the world and giving them some sort of sissy test. So, it's merely an opinion and a harmless prank."

Ms. Hemerra retorted: "Shirts don't have opinions. How can a shirt have an opinion?"

Mr Jotnose gave her a lesson in logic, "Then there you go. You admitted it yourself. This shirt doesn't mean anything. Shirts are inanimate objects and don't have opinions. It isn't trying to mean anything. Unlike you, it doesn't have an agenda. The shirt isn't trying to offend anyone and there surely aren't any laws yet protecting anyone from being offended by a T-shirt or some ink that is forming letters that are forming words that you may not agree with what you think they stand for."

"Anyway," Jotnose continued, "maybe some bikers are sissies. It depends on what your definition of "sissies" is. It sure looks to me like they all call each other in the morning to make sure they are all dressing alike. They are very aware of their fashion. Their individuality is shown by wearing identical garb and it's a well known fact that perverted sadomasochists get their leather and spikes from the same place as bikers. Look at Rob Halford of Judas Priest or Freddy Mercury of Queen. You can't deny that's some flaming leather there. Not that there's anything wrong with sissies, homosexuals, or rock stars."

What really didn't help Hemmera's and Ol' Cowboy Jeff's case much (showing prejudice in the matter) was the overlooked fact that the principal Ol' Cowboy Jeff was a member of the local motorcycle club "Satan's Silly Barbers". The club is made up of local professionals, gay and straight, who get together and do good things for the community. According to Ol' Cowboy Jeff, he is straight as can be but got "made sport of quite a bit in school" because of his taste in clothing, Liza Minnelli 8 Track Tapes, his swishy walk, his lisp, and getting caught dressing like and trying to become a girl cheerleader and member of the pep squad.

Ol' Cowboy Jeff's traumatic upbringing may have led to his becoming a biker sissy. His gay father left his mother when he was just a little kid. All he had to remind himself of his father was a heap of parts of a beat up old Indian motorcycle. Jeff locked himself in the garage at nights with the bike and after 4 years of learning everything he could about bikes he finally came out when he had it back together and it's now an enviable classic. "Most of my best friends are bikers, some with wives and families. Fine people who would give me the shirt of their back and...and then I wouldn't know the difference because we all wear the same black Harley shirts anyway - to show off our individuality. Tee hee, sorry that was silly."

Arguing the case for his son, Dr. Jotnose observed that, "All this biking and swishing and principaling leads one to believe that the statement "Bikers are sissies" hits a little too close to home for some."

"If the shirt had said something like "Crocodile Hunters are Liars" would you have any problems with that?" Dr. Jotnose asked Ol' Cowboy Jeff, "hypothetically."

"Walking around with that shirt on in a town full of bikers like this, he's just begging to get beat up" opined fellow classmate Shirly Shovelhead. "He's lucky they took him out of school."

Sonny is using his time off school to market his shirts on the web to college fraternities for hazing wear. Some frats are making their pledges walk into bars with the shirts on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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