SKOKIE, Illinois (AP) -- Scientists at Devonshire Elementary rejoiced today as newly discovered evidence pointed the way to a stunning pathological breakthrough. According to new research, the debilitating disease known as "Cooties" is now known to be transmitted through kissing.
"Two days ago Jimmy told me that Amanda was kissing Dave in the big tree behind the swings," explained lead researcher Jon Thompson, 10. "We already knew that girls have cooties, but now we know how girls can give cooties to boys."
Little had been seen of Dave since he contracted the disease a week and a half ago. Since then, he has exhibited common symptoms such as not playing kickball at recess and acting all weird whenever Amanda's around. Since Dave was the only kid who could kick the kickball over the far fence, Jon's kickball team has been losing since Dave was placed on the injured list.
"I'm tired of losing to George," said assistant researcher Steve DeAngelo, 9. "George's team always beats us now and he talks about it the rest of the day and it's annoying. Once we cure Dave's cooties, we can start winning again."
Although the cure for cooties remains elusive, this new discovery will certainly lead to novel preventative measures, as well as helping to debunk popular myths about the disease. "Paul said that holding hands with a girl gives you cooties, but that's just stupid," said Jon. "Now we know that's not true."
Jon is hoping that a cure for cooties will present itself in the next week, since next Friday's kickball game determines who will be King of The Universe. To that end, Jon is hoping to contract the disease himself so he can study it in isolation. "I think if I can get Lauren to kiss me," he said, "I can figure cooties out and cure Dave." Stay tuned to The Spoof for further details on Jon's noble sacrifice.