Written by John Christiansen
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Topics: Politics

Monday, 28 April 2008

image for Superpower Status for Sale
VP Dick Cheney, exhausted from all the power grabs.

Earlier today the White House released a pending Executive Order which may subsequently allow the US Treasury to auction off a lease for "the status of superpower and priviliges thereof".

When asked at a press conference shortly after the Executive Order was published, White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino said, "We outplayed our role as the world's superpower a long time ago. I mean, it's just way too much power for one man to handle. And Cheney's not getting any younger..."

The auction may commence on Ebay as early as next week, if the President signs the Order before tomorrow's scheduled White House brinner.

When asked if leasing out our superpower status would, almost certainly, be disastrous to our economy and national security, and to global trade, Dana Perino answered, "I can't comment any further on this issue, nor on any other issue of any relevance whatsoever". Reporters graciously proceeded to ask about tomorrow's brinner. "Brinner is the President's favorite! When he sits down at the table his face lights up like an orphan getting his first bicycle!" said Dana Perino.

The bid is rumored to start at a whopping half a trillion dollars. The Royal Family of Saudi Arabia, the Sultan of Brunei, China, Iran, India, Pakistan, Russia, the EU, and Tom Clancy, have all signaled their interest in entering the auction.

Among the priviliges of superpower are:

  • Control of the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund (IMF), and the World Trade Organization (WTO)
  • the right to recognize new countries
  • the right to invade countries on a whim (formal declaration of war optional)
  • membership in the UN Security Council
  • the right to detain a "suspected terrorist" without formal charges
  • the right to use waterboarding, as well as other unspecified means of extracting information
  • the right to invent new powers (which will not expire with the lease).

Critics of the latest Executive Order are all at a loss for words, except for Noam Chomsky (who had a tickle in his throat rendering him unable to comment). Proponents argue that the lease could bring in more than a trillion dollars to the US Treasury, plus the money that will be saved on not having to force democracy upon third-world barbarians.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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