(Boston, Massachusetts) Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry has changed his name to "John F. Kohn", saying that he wishes to both acknowledge his Jewish roots, and also convince wavering Jewish voters that "their rightful home is still in the Democratic Party."
Kerry/Kohn, whose paternal grandfather, Fritz Kohn, was a Jewish emigrant from Central Europe who converted away from Judaism and changed his name to Frederick Kerry, said he has "an appointment to discuss Kabbala with Madonna" tonight, and will be "having bagels with Joe Lieberman on Sunday morning."
Next Wednesday, Kohn will undergo a formal re-circumcision by a mohel (ritual Jewish circumciser) on national TV. "This will confirm once and for all that I have a Purple Heart on," Kerry/Kohn was apparently heard to say.
Learning of the news, Vice President Dick Cheney pointedly inquired whether Kerry would be "throwing the foreskin over the fence at the White House."
Barbara Walters, herself Jewish, will conduct a breathless, fawning interview with the foreskin on a TV special to be called "Inside Tip."
While Kerry's Senate record clearly shows him to have been one of Israel's strongest supporters, polls have shown that the traditional Jewish alliance with the Democratic Party has in recent months weakened substantially, as some Jewish voters perceive George W. Bush to be arguably the most pro-Israel president in history. Recent polls have suggested that as many as 37% of Jewish voters favor Bush, whereas statistical studies suggested that under 10% voted for him in 2000. However, this latest development from the Kerry/Kohn camp will almost certainly change many pre-election trends.
Already, polls conducted in Dearborn, Michigan and along Brooklyn, New York's Atlantic Avenue demonstrated that respondents now favor Bush over Kohn by a margin of 100-0. A Zogby poll also revealed that only 39% of voters now consider Kerry "lugubrious", while his overall cadaverousness rating continued to hover in the low forties.
In what may be a related development, a team of orthodox rabbis was summoned to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the H.J. Heinz company was said to be considering a special "58th variety" of ketchup.
In the meantime, Congresswoman Maxine Waters has called for President George W. Bush to undergo "circumcision by blunt knife and without anesthesia", because of his "general Bushhood, rampant Bushery, and ongoing campaign of unabashed Bushification."
"There was a traffic jam on Ventura Boulevard yesterday," said Waters, "and I blame the President for it."