Written by John Walton
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Topics: Homeless, Portland

Sunday, 27 April 2008

image for Portland Man Discovers Homelessness Not All It's Cracked Up to Be
Molnar's appearance deteriorated rapidly in the second and third weeks of living in his car.

After being forced from his home by a judge-issued protective order, Portland local, Brian Molnar had no choice but to live in his Subaru Justy. Coming from a city so rife with entertaining but hapless dregs, Molnar suspected the stint would be a novel, perhaps liberating, adventure. However, after just 4 weeks of homelessness, the man has found his dependence upon plumbing and food to be overwhelming.

"I read that story about the guy on the coast who made $300 a day begging at WalMart, and thought, 'I can do that.' What a bunch of dog****. It took me 12 hours to make 3 bucks here in the city. They also told me I can't use their bathrooms without buying stuff anymore."

The biggest problem Mr. Molnar has faced so far is finding a good place to park.

"The security guard at WalMart said I can't sleep there, and the Nazarene Church in the West Hills has a cop dedicated just to it. I was taking a dump in row J of the lot at 2:30 am, and the Sheriff showed up. Row J! That's practically in the forest. What the hell?"

Though he receives food stamp assistance, Mr. Molnar fears he may not survive until next week when the state issues the next load of benefits to his card.

"I saw some bum eating out of the trash, but I'm not going to do that ****. I'd rather die. Homelessness sucks, man. I don't want to look and smell like these animals. I shouldn't have to wait in line to use a computer at the VA Hospital. I don't belong here. These other clowns do, but not me. I probably caught AIDS from one of them already - just sharing their air."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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