Washington DC - Republican John Sidney McCain announced today his unalterable position "forgainst" the major issues of our times.
"For example, people ask whether I am for or against Roe v. Wade," said McCain, "But I am, and always have been, forgainst it. And I want Supreme Court justices to be forgainst it as well."
Reaction was swift and positive. "The McCain-Feingold campaign finance reforms are something that McCain has always been forgainst," said Republican commentator Tony Snow. "And he always will be!"
"The sanctity of marriage," said marriage expert Newt Gingrich, "Is something McCain has been consistently forgainst, as have I. Likewise, the Bush tax cuts for millionaires and the idea of a balanced budget. He's even forgainst government subsidies for ethanol!"
McCain's attitude forgainst religious extremist is all the more remarkable considering he used to call them "Agents of Intolerance". "It was just words anyway," said a spokesman for Bob Jones University. The Reverend Hagee agreed, saying "McCain came to me for support. All that 'Intolerance' stuff? Heh-heh!"
Pundits noted that McCain's forgainstness is especially strong and broad. He has even come out forgainst the relatively obscure question of state promotion of the Confederate flag.
But he has not forgotten past lessons. "McCain's strong stand forgainst government-sponsored torture," said a spokesman, "Shows what he learned from being tortured himself: sometimes you do what you have to do. No-one should take seriously anything that he says because he has to. That's just the way it works."