Texas - (Fundamental Mess): Over four hundred children taken into care from the Yearn For Zion polygamous nutters' ranch have demanded immediate initiation into the Church of Scientology after seeing Tom Cruise's Top Gun and Missionary Impossible movies.
Social workers were stunned that after just a few hours of drinking coca-cola and eating McDonalds' Happy Meals the shy, retiring and somewhat quaint FLDS kids suddenly perked up, started playing with the WallMart-donated sackfuls of toys and asked to see early Britney pop videos.
"But it wasn't until they'd seen the Cruise movies that we really had a revolution on our hands," Texas senior social worker Dave R Edneck said today.
"Man, they've just gone apeshit now after learning he's the top honcho of Hollywood's best-funded religion ever!
"Some of them are asking for Cruise and his wife Katie Holmes to come to see them here in Texas.
"We don't forsee any testimony difficulties at future foster and guardianship hearings if the Cruises turn up at the weekend."
Meanwhile UN special envoy Paris Hilton has cancelled her goodwill trip to Rwanda in a bid to be the first celeb to make contact with the Yearn For Zion children.
Britney Spears is 26.