(Harrisburg PA) Hillary Clinton launched a 25-megaton hydrogen bomb at Philadelphia from her campaign headquarters at 3 AM this morning. Two smaller nuclear missiles hit the Philadelphia suburbs moments later. The Obama hot spots were totally incinerated. Ms. Clinton is thought to still have a few dozen nuclear missiles for future primaries.
The attacks were described as a desperate attempt to hold onto her lead in tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary and appeared to work. Her lead has increased from 3% to 11%.
"Behold a new day for America!" trumpeted the energized Ms. Clinton in a 4 AM statement to the press. "Obamaites must change or face the consequences! I call on the citizens of North Carolina and Indiana to vote for me or be annihilated! And just wait and see what I have planned this summer for the convention in Denver!"
Governor Ed Rendell and Clinton supporter also had some comments: "We are all sorry about the loss of Philadelphia but it was in Obama's hands anyway. I think Hillary showed herself to be a strong leader today. She is willing to make tough decisions and follow through on them. People respect her more now."
The death toll from the bombs was almost 8 million people. Mandatory evacuations of North Carolina and Indiana cities has begun.