Red-faced US military personnel have discovered that 9/11 terrorist Osama Bin Laden had been working at the Dunkin Donuts in Somerville, Massachusetts as recently as two months ago.
According to employee records, Bin Laden began working at the donut shop in March of 2005 using the name 'Oscar Smith'. He told coworkers that he was a Protestant from France even though he did not appear to speak French and insisted on facing east 5 times daily offering prayers in Arabic to destroy the US.
"I knew he looked like Osama but I thought it was just a coincidence", said Dunkin Donuts manager Joe Doneto. "He was a good worker until he blew up the store".
Many customers commented on how much the donut worker resembled the fugitive terrorist and some even reported him to military investigators. However, the military took no action and refused to investigate.
"I told those frickin military guys about him six months ago and they told me I was a crackpot and to shut up", said Somerville cab driver Nat Brown. "They said if I said one more word to them they would lock me up and throw away the frickin key. What was I supposed to do?"
US Rear Admiral Mark Fox claimed that military personnel did visit the donut shops but did not see any sign of Bin Laden. However, military records and donut shop employee schedules indicate they visited the shop when Bin Laden was not working.
Bin Laden apparently shared an apartment in the same town with a woman known only as "Nancy". She advertised for a roommate and Bi Laden answered the ad.
"He told me he was Osama Bin Laden", Nancy disclosed. "But how was I supposed to know he was THAT Osama Bin Laden?"