ABC - Presidential Candidate Barack Obama confessed that he does not wear a flag pin at all times and is therefore not eligible for the Presidency, according to Debate Moderator George Stephanopoulos.
"Article 2, Section 3 of the Constitution requires Americans to wear a flag lapel pin at all times," explained the former Clinton staffer. "Yet Obama has been photographed with a naked lapel on multiple occasions. How can he be trusted with public office without the correct symbolism?"
"I urge Senator Obama to give up," said Democratic Candidate and former Stephanopoulos boss Hillary Clinton. Resplendent in a flag-draped pantsuit with extra-wide lapels bearing multiple flag pins, she noted that she had worn an American Flag Lapel Pin when under sniper fire in Bosnia.
Republican Candidate John Sidney McCain agreed. "Thanks to the fabulous wealth of my second wife, I can afford literally thousands of American Flag Lapel Pins. Why, I have several holding my pants up right now!"
"I agree with my friend Senator Clinton," he went on "That no American can be in public without am American Flag Lapel Pin. However, she is wrong to think a warrant is necessary before police search your home to see whether you are are reading your email without an American Flag Lapel Pin. In the post-911 world, we cannot deny our president the tools he needs to make us safe. Bomb Iran!"
Pundits agree that Obama's campaign is doomed, unless he can find a way to turn this latest disaster into a positive. "He can propose a pro-flag-pin program," one suggested. "With the $3 Trillion Bush is spending on his Iraq war, Obama could have purchased over 200 American Flag Lapel Pins for every person on earth. This lovely emblem of patriotism is a 'Must-Wear!' for everyone, especially when running for public office. Best of all, they are made in China of finest scrap metal imported from the USA."
In related news, American spy satellites scanned Iran for signs of American Flag Lapel Pins. "Results are grim," reported a White House insider. "We find no signs of Iran's stockpile of pins, and to protect the Homeland will have to attack, probably in October. Remember, if you're not wearing an American Flag Lapel Pin, you are against us, and we must destroy you in self-defense."