Utah State Penitentiary - (Fundamentalist Mess): "You heathen folk just don't realise that for a fundamentally polygamist prophet like myself, congress is hell when each wife comes with a mother-in-law."
Jeffs has been recalling to jailbird pals about the rigors of official duties expected of a prophet of his omnipotence and stature as well as his utter conviction that "the Lord will spring me outta this godforsaken rathole."
"Sometimes when I'm havin' matrimonial relations it makes me shudder," Jeffs continued, "specially if one of 'em old biddies suddenly drops dead in delicto on me.
"Then othertimes when the mothers-in-law are expectin' same time as the daughters, that's torture for a man.
"Them all getting the mornin' suckness together ya know. Makes a man bleed internally just to witness the spectacle."
Jeffs was speaking from his 6ft x 8ft padded cell where he is reflecting on a lifetime of dodging Justice department sleuths while collecting over $5 million in food stamps and welfare checks.
Meanwhile his Year For Zion spouses have been offered a $50 million movie rights deal via inter-ecumenical sources related to Tom Cruise.
Dick Cheney is 69.