Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 17 April 2008

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The classics never go out of style in Eldorado

Polygamist women from the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Eldorado, Texas have broken their silence on the recent situation with their church.

Due to accusations from a young female member who alleged sexual and spousal abuse of her many other young women and children, over 400 were removed from their central Texas compound.

Mothers of some of those children opened their mouths today to speak about the charges.

Mary Smith Smith Smith, who moved to the Texas town from the polygamous home in Colorado City, Arizona, was the spokesperson for the group.

"We wish to issue a brief statement and will not take any questions.

"First, I was married at age thirteen to my husband. He was 23 years older than me. I did not have a problem with this. Because of being married at that age, I did not have to worry about dating, not getting asked out to my prom, not having a boy give me his class ring or leather jacket, getting pinned in the back seat of a Toyota, or any other of those quirky, adolescent experiences. Our way is much better.

"Second, I have to share my husband with four other women. That means that I only have to pick up his dirty clothes and socks one week a month. I only have to put the lid down one week a month. I only have to shut all of the kitchen cabinet doors one week a month. I only have to put up with him coming home really late and wanting me to surrender myself to a dirty, smelly, drunk man one weekend a month. Our way is much better.

"Third, I do not have a job outside of the home. I do not have to try to be a career woman and a housewife at the same time. I do not have to put up with sexual harassment in the work place, getting passed over for promotion, equal pay for equal work, or sleeping my way to the top of the corporate ladder. Our way is much better.

"Fourth, Since I am home during the day, I can cook a decent meal for my family. I don't have to worry about fatty fries giving me fatty thighs, whether or not we have the latest Happy Meal toys, spilling ketchup packets in the car, waiting thirty or more minutes to be seated at Chilis, or being embarrassed to ask for a doggy bag. This also means that we have leftovers at home that can be heated for lunches, home made bread and cakes and pies that do not come from Mrs. Smith. Our way is much better.

"Fifth, because we live a conservative lifestyle, we do not have to worry about wearing the latest fashions, whether or not Britney or Paris put her label on our clothes, who has seen us in this dress before, having a permanent done every few months, spending too much at the nail parlour, having a different pair of shoes special to each dress, or any of that other vain, empty headed lifestyle. Our way is much better.

"Sixth, because our men actually work, I do not have to worry about eventually having a 350 pound husband on top of me. I also don't worry that he will drop dead of a heart attack or have a stroke trying to bend over to pick up the pizza roll he dropped. My husband is fit and trim. Our way is much better."

At the conclusion of Mrs. Smith's remarks, seventeen female reporters in the group asked for information about joining the sect.

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