Written by Walt
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Topics: Pope, exorcism, Exorcist

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

image for "Tubular Bells," the Exorcist Theme
"They're toast, Holy Father, so cut the amps."

Pope Benedict XVI spent several hours at the White House in Washington, D.C., today. During this time His Holiness furtively performed one of the most historic exorcisms in the history of the Church.

Secret sources in The Vatican City have revealed that sequential keywords in the Pope's address to the crowd notified the minions of Beelzebub, Mammon, Bael, and Halliburton that the pontiff would send them back to Hell, Texas, or Dubai, as the case may be.

Bush attempted to foil the sacred rite by reciting some of the Pope's best lines, however George xliii could not remember Leonardo's da Vinci codes, misprounounced the magic words, botched the invocation, and was totally unarmed because he never wears a crucifix.

When the Pope met later with Bush in the Oval Office, the Pontiff quickly completed the rite with a special crucifix brought from storage in the basement of the Papal residence. Reversing the attempted Bush-speak, Benedict XVI switched to words from an ancient Aramaic version of the sworn oaths, a language as strange to Bush xliii as his own use of English. Il Papa then finessed the entire Ritual Romanum in front of the President and his henchthugs.

In conclusion, the Pope quickly looped a rosary around Bush's neck, held up his crucifix, commanded the group to "Look at the bright shiny object," finished the rite with a benediction as their respective idiot memories went tabula rasa--all in accord with the Men in Black, aka the Society of Jesus.

It is important to note that, as John, Cardinal Ratzinger, the Pope was previously Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which is the modern name for what used to be the Holy Office of the Inquisition.

Following in the footsteps of the Rolling Stones, the Grandest Inquisitor will establish new Bridges to Babylon, finish the first phase in the Age of Aquarius, institute the New Millenium (ya'll gotta' get those Gregorian calendars tuned up now, ya heah'), and begin to spread eternal peace, love, and understanding across the firmaments, and so forth, forever and ever, amen.

When Benedict XVI departed the White House aboard his Popemobile, George W. Bush, his staff, and all the right-wing, conservative, evangelical, fundamentalist hordes of his mal-administration were cleansed and ready to depart the capitol leaving it, once again, a Shining Beacon of Hope for the new US President in January.

Hallelujah, Benedict XVI . . . in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. Dominus vobiscum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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