According to writer KungFu IceSkater, Donald Trump and Queen Elizabeth II have agreed to collaborate on a book that is destined to be a hit right off the shelves. As we all know, a critical element of the "importance" of these two twentieth century icons, lies in the considerable level of "mystique" that surrounds them. This tell-all book reveals how you too can become important by creating your own aura of mystique. The book is called "Rules of Mystique" or "Keep It Blinging Like A Gangster". We were given a sneak preview of the book and allowed to publish the following seven rules:
1. Never shake hands. The Queen almost never shakes hands and Donald Trump doesn't like shaking hands either. If someone goes to shake your hand, just stare at their hands with a look of irritation. At best, give them a thumbs up. The thumbs up, is Donald Trump's preferred response to a handshake by the way. The Queen trumps Trump though. In many situations, you better get on your knees fast, or risk getting whisked to jail for the grand felony of "excessive familiarity with her highness"!
2. Always have someone talk on your behalf. Their title should be something like "my attaché", "my press secretary" or "my chief protocol officer". This person should explain to others, the rules of interacting with you before they meet you. The next time you go to a bar to pick up a girl (or a boy), have one of your friends first go to her and explain to her that she has to learn how to greet you before she meets you. Make sure that he sees her say, "Yes sir, I am here at your service", before you grace her with your presence. As a heads up, the Queen's personal secretary requires that you show him how you "bow" prior to meeting her. If you don't bow properly, you have to learn or you "ain't" meeting her. Now if that isn't the ultimate gangster mack, I don't know what is.
3. Always make sure you're on top. The Queen's seat in her Bentley is adjusted so that she's always taller than you. This is true by the way, according to the Robb Report. It's a $10 million car. Can you imagine the Queen taller than Shaq? Trust me, in her car Shaq is the bee-aa-tch!
4. Always have a crew. Never travel in groups of less than ten. Even if the group doesn't have anything to do and would rather be drinking warm beer and dodging landlords because of unpaid rent, always look like you are so busy keeping the world turning. Everyone has to want to be on your team. Don't they know that economies will collapse if you don't use the toilet on time.
5. Always answer questions with questions. "What's your name?" The appropriate response is "I mean don't you know? Is this some kind of joke?". "Where do you live" The appropriate response is "And why would I let a low-life like you know?". "Can you buy me a drink?" The appropriate response is "You are pretty, aren't you? Why don't you come back to my, zebra fur, bedroom and talk about it?"
6. Always deny access to that beautiful person that you see when you look in the mirror. When that waitress goes to get you a much needed glass of water, look irritated with your best friend at not informing her that she can never talk with you directly. Is she crazy? No is your best friend crazy? Don't they know who you are? The sheer cheek!
7. Finally. Never take shit from night club door men. Can you imagine Her Highness or His Trumpness standing in line? Now, especially when you know that you're name's not on the list, walk right up to the front of the club like you own it and if you get stopped ask the door man if he likes his job. If this fails ask him, "Do you fucking know who I am?". If the door man looks violent, leave quietly and try to avoid being seen leaving, remember, you've got to keep up your "mystique".