Written by Evan Essence
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Saturday, 13 September 2008

image for John McCain Volunteers to Undergo Waterboarding

John McCain, who had been tortured while he was a prisoner of War, in Viet Nam, has long made opposition to Torture one of his signature issues. Now he has equivocated, and become a supporter of George Bush's policy of waterboarding and the torture - even to death - of potentially innocent victims, without the right of trial.

Some Republican strategists have been concerned that the GOP nominee, may have tarnished his only salable trait...his reputation for Independence and Integrity....when he fell in lock-step behind the Bush Adminsitration...and voted to allow Waterboarding...an insidious form of torture...and a blatant violation of International Law.

In order to try and set the record straight, and iron out this apparent contradiction, John McCain has agreed to undergo Waterboarding, in order to demonstrate...if he survives the ordeal...that this brutal interrogation technique is not actually torture...."just a mild form of discomfort".

Dr. Rebecca Ashberry of the Baltimore Center for Gerentology Research says she really hopes McCain will reconsider his offer to undergo waterboarding. "We are already concerned that an old coger like him, may not make it through the strenuous campaign season. Already, John's wife has to help him slowly descend the steps, when he gets off an airplane. Senior Citizens need to learn to take life a little easier in their Golden Years."

Harvard Professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, noted "Waterboarding is still the defining issue the 2008 presidential race. Although polls show that the public is more pre-occupied with the economy, Britainy Spear's latest hairdo, and the continuing saga of O.J. Simpson's spiral into self-destruction....the Number- One question facing Americans, in this election, is whether America can ever again rise to the stature of inspired moral leadership and greatness in the world, or whether we will continue down the path of decadence, brutality, and fascist disregard for the mores of Civilization and International Law.

"Waterboarding is an unequivacal violation of the Geneva Accords, The US Constitution, and International Law," Professor Hampton observed.

Republican strategists maintain, that if John McCain is to inherit the Mantle of the Bush administration's legacy of stupidity, dementia, and destruction, he must go out of his way to compromise his integrity, if he is to appeal to the lowest common denominator of the Republican voters,... who TWICE...voted for a candidate who repeatedly sold out all of the most cherished values of traditional Conservatives in American.

"Whereas Conservatives have always adamantly favored smaller government, George Bush drastically inceased the size of Government to the largest size in US History," professor Hampton noted.

"Whereas traditional Conservatives have always favored fiscal responsibility, the trademark of George Bush's economic philosphy has been that the public, and the government, can spend unlimited amounts of money on credit, and nobody will ever have to pay for it....including the multi-trillion dollar Eternal Unending Global War to Incite Terrorism, for the Glory of God, Country, and the Conquest of the World's Oil Supllies...which currently, nobody is paying for," Professor Hampton continued.

"Whereas Traditional Conservatives have always been willing to Die for for the Constitution, Freedom, and The American Way, the biggest political accomplishment of the Bush Administration has been to enroll Republicans in the cause of unbridalled surveillance of all American's bank accounts, medical records, and open and unrestricted monitoring of all American's phone calls and Internet communication by...whom?...of course unregulated, unaccountable...BIG GOVERNMENT...whomever they may be..." Profesor Hampton concluded.

"Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing "

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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